HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN?!

In an age when the music business is suffering dearly–when even vocal dynamos like Christina Aguilera can’t sell albums or concert tickets anymore, and thousands of unsigned, undiscovered artists have to sell records out of their car trunks–a mind-meltingly horrific song called “Friday,” by a previously unknown, marginally talented teen-pop singer named Rebecca Black, managed to rack up more than 2.2 million views on YouTube (yes, that’s right, TWO-MILLION, TWO-HUNDRED-THOUSAND) just over this past weekend.

I don’t know about you guys, but she REALLY CLICHED it up!

Repeating Fridays, repeating the word FUN as if it would make her auto tuned music video sound so much better, and taking about 500 lines to decide which seat to take really seemed to make me wonder if these lyrics actually  came out of her diary?!!

1. To demoralize and disrespect the DMV for being too slow

2. To spit in the faces of every single Conservative who has patented the word Patriotic

3. The awesomeness of seeing a Burning Flag

4. To capture the attention of Michael Moore

5. To make Glenn Beck beg the African American ER doctor to help him when his arms are burnt

6. To signal to terrorists that you are a quickly turning into a man who wants 72 virgins

7. To prance in front of the police demonstrating that you can do something that they cannot

8. To celebrate the day that white people are not the majority population anymore

9. To gather all the Hicks and Hill Billy’s in Texas to one spot while your friend plants an atomic bomb.

10. To signal the end of America as a superpower and as a whole. While the American Flag is burning, a huge sculptue of Mao’s face shall rise to the sky along with an equally gigantic Chinese Flag. America will turn into the United Communist Nation of China because our debt to China was so big that either we had to give all of our females to China so that two billion Chinese men in the world could stick them silly or we would just combine the countries and live in a community virtually the same except we wouldn’t have FACEBOOK!

Blogging once a day is sometimes a pretty big pain in the ass. Blogging twice a day starts getting really frustrating . I don’t even know why people would blog more than three times a day.

But to get more views, the more you blog, the more tags a blog will receive and most likely your statistics graph will rise. (Though proven wrong by my graph. There is a reason why I didn’t use the “statistics” widget.)

Blogging daily gives host to racking the brain to a number of ideas on what to write about. Frankly right now, I had to choose this topic because I had no other ideas. Kinda sad yeah, but I already broke my rule about writing about trends because look at the previous post. Another AP article on Sheen smoking weed and waving his machete around like its his dick.

If you have an iphone or some kind of cell phone, I use it now as a blog idea tracking machine. I open up my “Notes” application and I text down a subject that I should keep in mind to blog about. Pretty useful for about anything really. My list is comprised of

1. How stupid the world is

2. How stupid this blog is

3. How jealous I am of Justin Bieber

4. Zit

5. Blog ideas (Taken and check)

6. Drunken Ass Tale

Some ideas are a bit more similar than others. But the point is that these ideas can have you write a nice interesting post that you sincerely care about, and hopefully that other people care about as well.

It’s really tough to try to get people to read something that may not be in the best case of the niche. I realize that every single time I attack Yahoo Answers and spam it with my cynical comments. It’s pretty funny in those situations, but this blog doesn’t carry the answers for every single relationship that comes forth.

Stuff like theoretical and rhetorical questions however would be best to be left out of blogs as well as obvious ones like inside jokes and daily life. Something that wouldn’t pertain to interest your audience to get them hooked sucks as material when you’re just starting. But then if you’re a celebrity….hahaha, ohh how it would be great to just write about VITAMIN WATER and then get a sponsorship.

FML

Dreamhost code

How do you create a blogging voice? I made a blog two years ago and my voice was horrible. Uneducated, misspelled, conflicting viewpoints, yep, just gross.

That’s actually this blog. Shit.

A good blogging voice is more humorous I suppose, filled with expletives and surprise alike: cause everyone laughs when someone cusses in amazement right? Or uses capitalization and hyperbole.

Like compare “Did you take a dump in my toilet?”

or

“Did you just take a FUCKING DUMP IN MY TOILET!”

See, vulgarity just reigns control over the popular humor nowadays. It’s shouldn’t be, but then Miley Cyrus is alive so……

So how is it that you can walk the fine line by not insulting the audience/readers yet still come off as a balls tickling comedian? There’s actually two easy ways to insult your readers. One would be to insult the audience directly with expletives and another would be to insult the audience with the SHEER AMOUNT of expletives in the text! God, the fucked up way we have to write just so the audience can act like a bitch and read the fucking blogs…..XD

But yes, it seems like anything can be turned into something humorous by making the things that you want to exaggerate in a story CAPITALIZED AND NOTICED!!! And everything you want in as filler and background to the main parts…..just the same.

PEACE OUT BITCHES!

1. Serious advice

2. Fake positive advice

3. Trolling

Anyway, I posted my blog as the source for all of my ingenious answers and hopefully, my answers could have been so cynical, so outrageous, so profound that they might have wanted to see where the rest of this person wrote about the essentials of life and his blogging failures!

=D =D =) =] =/ =0 =O =[ =( T_T

(Update: Nada lol)

I failed to provide the link of racketracer.wordpress.com in a blue link however so that users could easily click on it and gone straight to my page, but hopefully the link name of racketracer didn’t discourage them. I’m hoping that I see an increase in views or at least some kind of jump between today and tomorrow.

Using Yahoo Answers creates a small opportunity because of all the attention that it brings. Just like answering in a forum, the main difference between a forum and Yahoo Answers however is that Yahoo Answers literally comes up with another question that can be answered EASILY every single second. With one question down, I always felt myself drawn to another question with headlines of “why her bf was beginning to become bi-curious” or “should i beat up that black nigga”

Pretty funny site.

BTW, if you did come from Yahoo Answers, will you please leave a comment =D

Why is he famous again? Cause of something that millions of us possess, use, and broadcast everyday. His Twitter wit(sounds weird, oh wait, twitter wit sounds like it could be the next big trending topic!!!)

To establish twitter as a platform for famous people is letting people know what these people are doing, therefore easily facilitating the way people want to follow celebrities all the time. It’s genius! And in Charlie Sheen’s case, he gets to rave about his drunken ass while we all laugh at him and wondering why he doesn’t just get his shit together so he can get paid 1.8 MILLION DOLLARS for every single episode of Two and a Half Men.

But being the regular commoner, when finding myself without a million followers in 24 hours (Yes Sheen again), blogging about trends doesn’t seem to garner much views. People have talked about it so much already that it becomes a trend on twitter. Therefore when I slide in my seat in front of the computer and type in what I think, the blog gets lost in a mass of different views and opinions of other people already there.

I suspect a good strategy if you want to blog about trends would be to use Google’s Keyword Tool and check which topics are actively growing on a pretty linear pace. There’s also thinking about topics in the future which usually create excitement that you know are going to happen. For example, the NBA playoffs.

Hopefully someone can use these tools and theories better than me because I blogged about Charlie Sheen about a week late. XD

Has blogging been revived in the recent years of 2009 to 2011? Of course not. The blogging community has taken a hit since the explosions of Facebook and Twitter, creating the trend of  smaller status’s and giving way for smaller attention spans rather than to read longer blogs.

Well I want to change all that!

This blog has basically been untouched for the last few years, garnering an average of about 5 views per day. People seem to love the Communist Pikachu picture but nothing much else. Seemingly the reason comes from the lack of togetherness this blog held.

Creating a solid viewership is very difficult. To start off, I want every single viewer that reads my post to continue to regularly check back for updates in any such way. That means every post must be AWESOME whether I like it or not.

Readers also have to correlate and relate pretty consistently every time I write something. Things about top 10 best jobs to my own personal varsity tennis fail stories (=[) could never be consistently enjoyed by viewers like you (pbs reference). To hold down a blog, there must be a niche!

A niche if you don’t know is a “distinct segment of market” that any business or blog should be aligned with so as to attract consumers/readers and make them consistent viewers. I hope to attain that throughout my incorrect grammar and some slightly vulgar writing. =D

What can I blog about? Probably my stepping stones into creating this blog and updates on how it’s doing as well as any news articles I find interesting as well as crude humor.

Don’t worry, I won’t talk about porn anymore, but my niche is simple to include some cynicism as well as my failures to keep people interested. Who doesn’t like to see people getting fucked over?

I thank Problogger for getting me back started on blogs. Please leave feedback. I would appreciate ANYTHING! =)

Yeah, how do you guys like that graph? The details of my impression upon rating every female that you can speculate on from the moment you walk into a bar, party, or see lying on a curb.

Kiss, Sex, Multiple Sex Times

I’m not going to lie, it is kind of crude. But it shows how to predict the path that some woman will most likely take.

An extremely conservative and religious relationship would probably resolve in the example of the green line. Dependent on the female for all cases because a sexual relationship has to be defined by both parties, the green line represents a small portion of America whose desire is to uphold the beliefs that we as a country have held for a long time. And not only that, they don’t even get to have sex at the end. Oops

And then Orange is the modern day example of “American Pie” at it’s finest. One date, could in fact provided that two people knew each other for that long, involve a relationship developed like Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. Friends with benefits….

A hypothetical flaw however is

Does a straight line truely represent how most females would think?

I think YES. Because people, not just women, all think about the future in a nice straight line dependent on relationships. My graph here doesn’t exactly show TIME on the x-axis, it doesn’t show after how many days, but rather the series to each step of the relationship. It may take 10 years for dating to reach marriage, but the actions will consistently be the same until the next step is reached. And every step that is achieved, an action is provided first to prove that they have taken it to the next level. Such as the first time you might kiss, she would adjust her mindset to good friend. And then the action of sex, to dating.

So, do you want to know when you can get laid?

Simply map out the time span it takes to get from one action to the next along on the graph. Figure out the slope, and calculate the time needed for the future.  XD

Of course everyone has their own line on a scale. I just drew the points where I thought would be the most common, if, of course something were to drag out so long. I’m sure after conversation, a one night stand, the relationship with the woman would cease right there.

So the next time you’re considering a woman and she has taken action, find out what that action is, and plot her on this scale to see what the future might just be like. You never know how explicit something could get….

This is what happens when Pikachu lands in Russia